A month ago today, should have been my 14 year wedding anniversary. However, I was not celebrating. It’s been a few years since I felt anything remotely celebratory about my marriage, except for my children whom I celebrate every single day. My partner and I have been separated yet living together as friends and parents and as two individuals trying to work through our own healing and trying to understand how we got so off track in our marriage. I think that he has made more progress in this regard than I have and also that he has in doing so, taught me so much about him, about me and about us.
I have been feeling a little depressed these past few weeks as the season has shifted and I am staring down yet another winter in this house. Last Fall and Winter was almost unbearable for me. My body rebelled, my mind checked out and my heart deadened. I really felt by Spring that “by this time next year” the landscape of my life will be much different because I just can’t go through another “season” like this, here. “Here” meant my home, my life, my relationship. And yet, HERE I am. HERE I find myself almost fully back to where I was a year ago. Only it IS different. Much different.
I have so much more respect for both of us as individuals. We SHOULD be celebrating the way in which we have been able to navigate this separation as friends with tons of respect for each other and for what we have created together. It’s not that our life together was ever bad, there was never any arguing, there was never any really bad energy and there were always common interests and friendship and goals. We always had moved forward, until we didn’t. And we didn’t because we had reached a point where we simply were just not in love with each other, we had lost the mojo, the sexual polarity and the willingness to try to find it. At least I had. I checked out. I was “done” and had nothing more to give him.
As with any relationship story, there is a lot more to this tale as well. And I find myself wondering if courage would have us share the details publicly? I feel that there have been so many key lessons in this situation and real soul truths that each of us have learned. Lessons that may be valuable to other people in similar situations. I loved that Brad started his own facebook page sort of documenting his journey and marvel at the courage that this has taken. We have had coaches and read books, we’ve investigated our own individual paths, we’ve written and talked, we’ve maintained at times very uncomfortable/painful boundaries and limited our interaction, family events and only went on one family trip, for one day, this summer together with the kids. We almost didn’t even plant our garden! He talked me into it, because even that I was not willing to share together this summer and felt I could not manage myself.
So today, I thank Brad Rose for his patience, his understanding, his willingness to surrender and allow me to process, to heal, to investigate and to attempt recover myself and honor my soul. Mostly, I want to acknowledge that I respect so much, his understanding of how important telling the truth is to each other even if we don’t share it publicly. He has never played mind games with me. I have never had to make assumptions about anything and we have been able to talk about absolutely anything, which means everything. And I want to commend him on the massive amount of work he has done on his own healing journey. You are a very different person today then you were a year ago, as am I. We have both learned so very much about so many aspects of relationship with others and with ourselves. And we are nowhere near done! But I think, a celebration IS in order!